Last week ASAP Rocky got arrested in Stockholm, Sweden, accused for aggravated assault stemming from a street brawl. Since then US media has reported about the ”inhumane conditions” in which he is being held in Swedish custody. This is, of course, far from the truth. Swedish custody is far from inhumane, in fact, it’s a pretty boring. Here is a typical day for a person (ASAP Rocky) held in Swedish custody.

08:00 Good morning

Time to open up the doors in the detention center.

ASAP is allowed to go to the toilet and then he eats breakfast in his room. Meanwhile he’s given a pen and a notebook and is asked to write down what he would like to do this day: work, exercise, meet a nurse or a priest. ASAP also has the possibility to meet a psychiatrist if he’s feeling emotional or overwhelmed.

10:00 Exercise

ASAP exercises a couple times a week

Since ASAP has restrictions – and not allowed to meet any other inmates – he works out on his own. But there are custody workers around.

11:30 Lunch

ASAP eats lunch in his room

A prison worker walks around with a food cart, delivering lunch to the inmates. The lunch is often comprised of standard Swedish food such as meatballs, lingonberry-jam, potatoes and brown sauce.

12:00 Walk

ASAP is allowed to a one hour walk a day

Because of his restriction level, he is alone at the courtyard. All courtyards are sealed in to prevent smuggling of  cell phones, narcotics or brown sauce from the outside world.

13:00 Work

To have break from isolation, ASAP works.

A couple times a week Flacko is allowed to work. Somedays, work involves sharpening pencils, other days to sort empty envelopes in to different stacks for absolute no reason at all. The custody workers loves stacks.

13:00 Visitation

While ASAP is working, police dog handler Pernilla Rask performs a visitation of the facilities.

During the inmates work hour, the custody workers perform a routine check of the detention center. The procedure is often harmless but for a performer with songs like ”L$D”, this is stressful as f*ck.

14:00 Stranger Things-bingeing 

Time to catch up on some Netflix

Isn’t the latest season weird? Whats up with all the hornyness? I watch the show for the 80’s nostalgia, the impressive child actors and the ”upside-down”, not for the kids having hard-ons when Eleven has a nosebleed.

17:00 Daily sit down with his horrible mother-in-laws.

Time to have a talk

ASAP has eleven mother-in-laws. Thats not a racial steroetype, thats just facts. Every day, one of them comes to visit to tell him that he needs to pay more attention to his relationship(s).

17:30 Another mother-in-law, seriously?

Okey, I guess Swedish custody really is inhumane

If this isn’t a crime against humanity, I don’t know what is.

18:00 Telephone

 ASAP is allowed one phone call per day

Unfortunately, according to Swedish law, the phone call needs to be to a non-English speaking person or Jonas Gardell. In ASAP’s case that means listening to Gardells endless blabber about himself. This is a straight up clear violation of the Vienna Convention.

19:00 Pagan festivities

Time for ASAP to be inaugurated to Swedish midsummer-festivities.

After being served a classic ”Västerbottenpaj” filled with the midsummermaiden’s pubic hair, the elders are being pushed down from the ”ättestupa”. Meanwhile, it is tradition that the newcomers, in this case Lord Flacko, bury the flesh of the younglings by the midsummerpole.

20:00 Sacrificing the ”not so gifted”

ASAP gently murders the ”not so gifted”

As the young ones falls asleep, it’s up to ASAP to swiftly kill the child with a face even a mother can’t stand. This is done by throwing the kid by MAX Hamburgerrestaurang.

21:00 Good night

Beauty sleep awaits

After some light reading of the Corren, it’s time for some rest. There’s a big day tomorrow. Sleep tight and don’t let the bedbugs bite, ASAP.

EDIT: The Swedish custody has reached out to Nöjesguiden to let us know that there are no known cases of bedbugs in their facilities. 

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Thomas Krangnes

Pål Ströbaek