Jag gör bort mig varje dag. Varje dag gör jag något riktigt pinsamt som att t.ex hälsa på en person som jag tror jag känner men som egentligen bara var en kille som var med i Lidingö Stads och Pernilla Wahlgrens video till låten ”Det är här det händer” eller att jag hör fel och råkar sprida över halva Stockholm att Robin Paulsson har metoo:at en bekant (obs hänt förlåt Robin Paulsson det var en helt annan Robin otroligt oskönt av mig att inte dubbelkolla). Varje dag gör jag något otroligt pinsamt och det har lätt till att jag slutat bry mig. Om jag skulle bry mig om allt pinsamt jag gör så skulle jag nog dö. Därför skyller jag numera alltid ifrån mig. Nedanför kommer ett exempel på en pinsam sak, som inte på något sätt är mitt fel. Nämligen om gången jag gick på barnvagnsbio.
Ni vet när man ska se biofilmen first man, och istället för en vanlig visning råkar (mestadels pga SF:s otroligt dåliga app) boka biljetter till barnvagnsbio. Ni vet den känslan? Ni vet också känslan när man faktiskt får chansen att byta biljetterna mot vanliga biljetter men säger tvärnej pga man är för stolt gentemot den dryga tjejen i kassan och insisterar på att ”JAG HAR VÄL INGA PROBLEM MED BARN” och går ändå?
Ni vet inte den känslan? Ok låt mig berätta för er om onsdagen den 17:e oktober, när jag gick på barnvagnsbio.
Salongen är tom, jag är först in. Det första jag möts av är en mikrovågsugn och ett litet ”skötbord” mitt framför bioduken. Redan här växer oron. Jag tänkte iaf att barnvagnsbio var som vanlig bio men att de släppte in barnvagnar. Jag tänkte liksom inte att folk skulle byta blöjor framför Ryan Goslings otroliga anlete. Men det gör de, hela tiden.
In kommer en till kille. Vi nickar mot varandra generat. Vi båda vet att vi båda har bokat fel, att det är pinsamt, att det självklart är jättekonstigt att vi går på barnvagnsbio, där man kan byta blöjor framför Ryan Goslings otroliga anlete. Eller iallafall så jag tolkade nicken. Han kanske var ett mysko, som faktiskt gillade att gå på barnvagnsbio, en ensam galning som gillade mindre ljud, upplyst salong och… barn? Spädbarn? Och isånnafall var glad över att han hittat ännu en galning. Varför nickade jag tillbaka?
In kommer den första mamman. Hon har ett barn i baby-björn. Tittar på mig underligt och kollar efter mitt barn. Ser att jag inte har något. Jag försöker i en blick förmedla att SF-appen är dålig och att det blivit fel. Hon ignorerar blicken och verkar mest se irriterad ut. En efter en kommer de in, mammor som helst av allt bara vill se Ryan Goslings otroliga anlete och som genom subtila blickar förmedlar förakt.
Tillslut kommer biogubben, som aldrig är en självsäker gubbe längre utan oftast ser ut som någon som har åsikter om i vilken ordning man borde se Avengers-filmerna, in och förklarar att detta minsann är barnvagnsbio och att det då blir paus mitt i, att det finns skötbord och mikros längst fram och att ljudet samt ljuset i lokalen kommer vara lägre och mer upplyst. Ännu en gång får jag kontakt med myskot. Han nickar. Jag nickar inte tillbaka.
Själva upplevelsen är hemsk, skrikande barn och folk som rör på sig i salongen. Mikros som plingar och folk som byter blöjor framför scenen. Filmen är fantastisk, men det är svårt att koncentrera sig på Neil Armstrongs döda dotter (förlåt för spoilers men är väl mer en historisk fakta?!?) om man innerst inne vill att alla barn ska dö. Ryan Gosling har iof ett otroligt anlete.
När alla ska gå är min plan att sitta kvar, för att inte få ögonkontakt med någon orolig förälder. Det är deras plan också. Någonstans 3 minuter in i eftertexterna börjar jag noja och inser att det är ännu konstigare av mig att sitta kvar. Som att jag måste suga ur varenda sekund av denna upplevelse. Som killen som vägrar acceptera att efterfesten är slut. Jag springer hem, och som den tönt jag är skriver jag ihop ett klagomail där jag mer fokuserar på att tjejen i kassan var otrevlig än sanningen, att jag gjorde fel. SF skickar hem en popcorn-kupong. Hur jag rescenserar barnvagnsbio? 2/5 Ryan Goslings anlete.
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