Jag är på tunnelbanan påväg hem från jobbet första gången jag ser dig. Du är mycket kort och har tunt, flygigt hår. När dörrarna öppnas och stängs fladdrar det i blåsten och ibland hamnar det i dina ögon. Du är det vackraste jag någonsin sett.
Jag tittar på dig länge innan våra blickar möts. Dina ögon är runda och vakna. Efter bara en kort stund tittar du bort. Du är blyg. Jag är knäsvag. Jag ler och låtsas tittar ner i telefonen. Känner med handen på min egen kind. Den är glödhet. Vad gör du med mig egentligen? Jag kikar upp igen och du ser på mig. Nej – du ler till och med. Ett snett leende jag aldrig någonsin kommer att glömma.
Jag kan inte minnas att någon någonsin har fått mig att känna såhär. Hemma bråkar vi bara. Min sambo och jag har det mycket dåligt. Något jag känner att jag vill berätta för dig, för jag vill berätta allt för dig. Samtidigt vill jag också skydda dig från det. Ingenting ledsamt ska någonsin komma dig nära igen. Jag lovar att ta hand om dig så länge vi båda lever.
Då höjer du din hand och vinkar. Jag måste hålla för munnen på mig själv för att inte skrika rakt ut. Är det verkligen mig du vinkar till? Jag pekar frågande mot mitt eget bröst och då ler du instämmande. Din hand ser så mjuk ut. Jag måste få hålla i den. Jag vänder handen långsamt och vinkar tillbaka. Det brinner om kinderna på mig. Jag tror att du ser att jag rodnar för du ler ditt sneda leende igen och det känns som hela tunnelbanan ska fatta eld.
Jaha – vad gör man nu då? Du är där och jag är här. Vi är båda så blyga. Jag försöker se tillgänglig ut, men jag vet också att det är jag som måste våga ta första steget. Men tänk om jag bara inbillat mig alltihop. Ifall du inte alls känner som jag. Hade du varit ensam hade jag kanske vågat gå fram men nu blir jag osäker. Och självklart hade du aldrig varit själv. Hur skulle någon nånsin kunna lämna dig ifred? Men dessa tankar gör mig osäker. Kanske vill du inte ha mig, så som jag måste ha dig.
Jag blir mycket ledsen. Som om jag redan har förlorat dig. Som om du varit min, jag varit din och att allting redan är förbi. Den känslan gör att jag måste greppa tag i sätet för att inte trilla ner på golvet av sorg. Jag tappar istället ut min öppna cola-burk ur innerfickan och du ser plötsligt äcklad ut. Mina byxor blir blöta.
Men då säger du något och jag kan inte låta bli att titta upp. Trots att jag precis lovat mig själv att aldrig möta din blick igen. Jag lyfter blicken och dina små stenkuleögon stirrar rakt i mina. Älskling. Du har förlåtit mig.
Tåget stannar in vid nästa station. Jag reser mig och går rakt mot dig. Jag hälsar snabbt men artigt på resten ditt sällskap som tittar frågande tillbaka. Så lyfter jag upp dig ur vagnen och vi försvinner ut på perrongen. Bakom oss hör jag hur dom bankar på de stängda tunnelbanedörrarna. Jävla idioter som inte fattar någonting. Ingen förtjänar dig. Knappt ens jag själv.
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