Inlägg taggade: Personal

10:20 18 Jan 2018

The time has come for We found Rihanna to go into archive. It’s been such a journey writing it. I’ve gotten to think, articulate and analyze the fangirl’s position while supporting Rihanna and her art. I’ve shared my thoughts and feelings on being a part of the fanbase and I’ve had the luxury of meeting amazing people thanks to that. A dream come true.

I want to say thank you to every navy who’s contributed. The Fan of the Weeks and the Fan Encounters – I love you all so much. And I love us. And I love being a fangirl.

A special thank you to Nöjesguiden and Jenny, who allowed us/I to have a platform where we/I could share our thoughts and experiences! It’s been great working with you.

To end this propertly, here are some of my favorite pics taken while fangirling:

My first night out stanning. New York. Rihanna walked out of the restaurang not so long after this pic was taken. I had never seen her IRL before and was shocked at the chaos and at the same time so indescribably happy.

And here she is! Tearing up thinking about it!

Rihanna leaving a club in NYC.

Melissa outside a club in NYC. I remember she recognized me while walking in but I got super nervous and shy so I looked away when she said hi. She came out and hung out with us while waiting for a car later though which was everything, obviously.

Me, London, Shawnté and Mel.

Rih leaving Jenn’s birthday party, heading towards the club (where Drake later also shower up).

This truly is the best picture ever taken of me. Look at my eyes hahahahhaa. I’M SO STARSTRUCK yet I remember I was thinking how cool and collected I managed to stay this time hahahaha.

AWT Oslo.

First time front row. 

Died many times this night.

Many, many times.

Something I wish every fan would be able to experience.

A memorih for life.

AWT Copenhagen. Standing in another part of the Golden Circle this time. Which also meant I got to experience the glass bridge like this:

SAUCY @badgalriri

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Work, AWT Stockholm:

AWT Stockholm.

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BBHMM from AWT Oslo:

Love on the brain, AWT Oslo:


7:53 22 Aug 2017

I want to write about the barriers around Rihanna. About those who stand on them: the gatekeepers. Those who sometimes make up their own rules or take advantage of a position so close to $he.

I’ll only write about what I’ve encountered myself but think I can say that most of these apply not just to Rihanna but to celebrities in general. For example I’ve fangirled James Franco too and saw the same general structure around him.

Here’s my list of gatekeepers:


Body guards



Family members



Getting to know someone from the above categories could mean a passage into your fave’s attention. People on both side of the fence, so to speak, know this. It’s not spoken about but we know when we engage with paps that being in the car with means being first on the spot and possibly getting a selfie or even a quick chat.

We know that being on good terms with body guards means they are more likely to find you after the concert, if your fave decides they want to meet you. Or hand them your gifts. Or pass a message. We also know that being on bad terms with body guards will get you blocked, pushed away and ignored.

We know that drivers can charge your phone during long days of stanning, let you past the first barrier, separating fans from superfans (in the case of Franco), or message you know when they get off work (meaning those they work for have gone to bed meaning there’s no use staying out waiting for them to go to the club or studio etc).

We know management can forward gifts.

We know family members might follow you back on social media, like your pics and thus help them pop up on your fave’s feed. They might even text to let you know where their daughter is.

Rihanna’s dad and I in NYC, 2014.

We know friends might invite you backstage, to the VIP section or forward a message. They might become your friend too. They might be hirable for make-up, photography, modeling. All of which bring you one step closer to your idol too.

That being said, there’s a lot of opportunities for genuin bonds to be built, new friendships to be made and fun to be had between fans and said gatekeepers. I’ve seen it, lived it and dreamt it. We know Rihanna’s group of friends are amazing, for example. The generosity and warmth Mel have showed fans throughout the years is overwhelming. Rih’s NYC driver is amazing beyond words, always kind and helpful and even drove me home one late Manhattan night so I wouldn’t have to walk alone in a foreign city. That’s one of the best experiences of my fangirl life actually, getting a drive home in Rihanna’s car.

Another fan favorite: filmmaker Evan Rogers.

Rihanna’s manager, Jay Brown. Met him as a fan in Oslo and as a wardrobe assistant in Malmö and both times he was kind as a lamb.

But I’ve also had too many scares and uncomfortable experiences. Paparazzis hitting on fans in the middle of the night in some lonely alley, making moves on much younger girls knowing damn well they’re not interested in anything but seeing their fave walk out the club. But since they help fans get to the club in the first place, some will take their chance, knowing they have a bit of power.

The first picture I ever took of Rihanna. Outside (now closed) Da Silvano in NYC.

I’m not saying it’s everyone but the general structure of the set up between mostly men amongst the paparazzi and mostly young girls amongst the fans is problematic and unbalanced. Possibly dangerous too. And even when it’s not directed towards you it’s a really uncomfortable situation to be in when someone turns out to be a douchebag harassing random women walking out of the club while you’re standing right next to them not knowing how to solve the situation. There are time when I’ve wanted to punch some people in the face but then realized I’m in their environment, standing amongst their co-workers (all are silent of course). It’s not the environment to pick a fight in, especially knowing I’ll spend hours and hours around these people for the rest of my trip. However. If I’m being honest with myself, I probably would have said something if it wasn’t for them being able to block me from seeing Rihanna. And that feels dirty. Like I’ve sold my soul.

And seeing a father take advantage of their child’s success to hit on 30 years old younger girls? It’s sad for everyone, let’s just leave it at that.

Then there’s the bodyguards. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO ANGRY?! I get that fans are annoying, I get we’re in their way and it’s their job to protect the client. What I don’t understand is how they don’t see how much more fans would help them if they just showed some basic respect. When someone does something wrong, say run up to the door of Rihanna’s building for example, it’s us fans setting them straight. It’s us telling people and paparazzi to respect her, it’s us informing newcomers about the ”rules” and how things work at that specific location. I wish bodyguards would understand this part of stanning and work with the fans instead of against them. At the very least show us some respect. It would make their jobs easier too. But I have seldom felt smaller or worth less than around bodyguards. And that’s not just as a fangirl but in general. I’ll give you and example. When I was working as a costume assistant for Rihanna during her AWT concert in Malmö, one of our assignments was to do her bodyguards laundry. 20 minutes after I’d stood there folding his underwear, a bodyguard comes up to me backstage. Not stopping at a normal distance he gets super close and just stare down at me. I get super nervous and a bit scared. Show him my wristband indicating I’m working, but he just shakes his head all while the concert is happening a few feet away. Finally he says one word. ”Phone.”

I’ve taken a snapchat picture of the side of the stage. He’s seen it and is furious. I put my phone down and 30 minutes later I’m told I’m not allowed near the stage again. Understandable, yes. I probably shouldn’t have taken that pic. But in all fairness I’d asked my boss if it was OK earlier, and she nodded. I’d seen multiple other people around me do the same thing. I’d worked for 11 hours with nothing but two 30 minute brakes. It wouldn’t have hurt him to just tell me ”no pictures” in a normal voice like a normal interaction between two human beings rather than hovering above me like that. Or perhaps make sure to have a united stand on what is and isn’t allowed during the show, after which you should take a course in basic communication techniques as I can’t possibly imagine that’s the kind of environment Rihanna wants the workplace she’s creating to be.

Sandra and I working wardrobe in Malmö.

This might be perceived as too negative of a post but patriarchy and capitalism are shitty systems to live under and the hierarchies created within them are visible for a fangirl. So a fangirl wish to discuss them. Because while the reef is filled with the most beautiful people and places and as you look around you you’re thinking this is magical, out of this world, pure and special. Some of those corals sting. And it hurts. And the magical place isn’t so magical anymore. Until you learn how to navigate around them. But then it turns out that having money will open up a few more ways than being without. And the place you live in makes all the difference. As well as what company you’re in. But I’ll write more about these things later, trying to reflect on the structures within the fanbase and not just around it. Hopefully it’s interesting to someone other than me.

11:57 3 Maj 2017

Hi all!

It’s such a treat to look around the internet these days, pictures and praises for Rih just about everywhere. Fenty is truly bringing us all together <3

For the past year I’ve also been working on something that I hope will contribute to bringing people together. I’m talking about ”Movements”, a collaboration between Cirkus Cirkör and Malmö Stadsteater for which I’ve written the script. Tilde Björfors is directing, music by Irya Gmeyner, scenography by Fanny Senocq and Fridjon Rafnsson, costume by Fridjon Rafnsson and on stage we have Helen Al-Janabi, Tom Ahlsell, Nedal Alsuoaf, Nasreen Al-Janabi Larsson, David Eriksson, Irya Gmeyner, Javid Heidari, Oldoz Javidi, Karin Lithman, Ibraheem Manaem, Ashtar Muallem and Johannes Wanselow.

Yes, wow, that’s a lot of names. And of course many more working behind the stage and all around. It’s insane how many people are involved in a process like this, each one as valuable as the other. The premiere is this Friday, May 5th, at Malmö Stadsteater.

Photo: Abed Naji

The performance starts out in parallel stories from refugees arriving to Malmö during the fall of 2015 and volunteers welcoming them. The stories are heard as individual voices, choirs and through the circus’ physical language and magic. It’s also a piece about how a closed border can challenge the solidarity between people and create a void which fear, distrust and division may grow in.

I’m hoping it will work as a gathering space to discuss the experiences our city has. We are so many who carry memories, wounds, love, trauma and strength from the situation that occurs when people move from one place to another, be it us, our parents, partners, friends, co-workers, neighbors or children who made the journey. We need to talk about that and how to practice solidarity and organize against the nationalistic forces marching through Europe (and the world), and I believe the theatre is a platform from which such a talk is possible on not just an intellectual but spiritual, emotional and moral level.

Photo: Emmalisa Pauly

It’s also super scary and a huge challenge. I’m scared of just about everything involving this process but am pushing myself to walk through it. No matter how close the subject is to my heart, how fragile it may be or how frightening it is to be facing my first major production post graduation – I’m doing it and keeping a RiRi attitude about the whole thing, staying unapologetic. As long as we all try, right? No matter how small we may feel, we all have to try and make things better. It’s moving too quickly in the other, very much hostile and excluding, direction. This is my way of contributing to the resistance.

Photo: Emmalisa Pauly


5:28 3 Nov 2016


I thought I’d let you in on why I have no time for updating the blog anymore by showing you what I’m doing instead. I think I mentioned it before but I’m pursuing a master’s degree in theatre at the Malmö Theatre Academy. That basically means I’m doing a bunch of projects and reflecting upon how they interact with my creative practice.

Next week, November 12th, I’m participating in the festival Transistor 2 here in Malmö with a play calledGlamour. Script by me, direction by Amanda Linnea Ginman and actors are Lukas Orwin, Katja Lobas and Camila Bejarano Wahlgren. If you’re in the Malmö area – hit me up and I’ll put you on the list to guarantee you a seat (it’s all for free)!

Then, November 16-17, my monologue ”Jag ville vara Britney, Whitney & JLo” goes up on Potato Potato’s stage at Rolfsgatan 5. I’ve taken it upon myself to learn about light and sound and set design and it turned out to be way more complicated than I first imagine. But after a few weeks of doubt I’m super happy about the result! This is all made on a 5000kr ($560) budget and a DIY-with-no-knowledge-kind-of-thing and considering that I’m so proud of what I’ve done. Also, I’ve managed to learn a little bit about programming and light design in the process. My ambition was to be more independent and not have to rely so much on technicians in the future and I think I’ve taken a big step towards that. Now I just want to learn more and more and it has everything to do with witnessing the Anti World Tour this summer.

Since the Malmö show I’ve been googling Rih’s set designer and creative director Willo Perron and lost myself in the dramaturgy and design of big arena shows. It’s by no means what I’m doing at school but that kind of larger than life room/space designed to make each and every person feel close to the person/act on stage is worth learning more about.

Writing this now I realize there’s a lot of stuff I’ve carried with me from the AWT into this project.

Rihanna during one of the sets of the Anti World Tour. Creative Direction: Willo Perron, Scenic Design: Willo Perron, Lighting: Jesse Blevins.
Rih won’t be on the bathtub during the performance but I couldn’t resist having a little Kiss it better moment after rehearsals. 


The ceiling piece from AWT also stuck with me and became inspiration for a floor reflecting light, stage, movements and people.



In my research on Willo Perron I also started reading about the creative process behind the ANTI diaRY. My monologue takes place in a bathroom which is the reason for the bathtub being center stage, but I can’t deny this image has been with me, somehow, too.


Oh and by the way, for those of you who didn’t entirely get the story behind ANTIdiaRY (like me), here’s what the idea behind it was:

”ANTIdiaRY is a cryptic digital journey into the life of Rihanna in which the artist’s memories unfold in a series of eight episodes. Each episode correlates with an album release and represents a turning point in Rihanna’s life.”
– from

Time to go! Take care everybody <3

2:08 9 Sep 2016

Hi! I’m sorry for the lack of updates lately. It’s not because the fanbase is quiet, that nothing’s happening in Rih’s world or that I’m not out here wearing my Fenty gear. I am. But I’m also starting a master’s program in theatre that is taking up nearly all of my time, working 3 jobs and have my family visiting. Hence, the blog will suffer. But I’ll be back soon I promise! In the meanwhile, head over to, Zalando, Sneakersnstuff or Caliroots to buy the Fenty PUMA by Rihanna collection. The items are selling out but hopping between the sights you’ll find nearly everything somewhere. :)

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In my pink Leadcats, Fenty x Stance socks and Bitch I know you know-cap (AWT merch) at school yesterday. I’d been wearing the Trainers and Creepers Monday through Wednesday which had my teacher asking if I only put Rihanna’s designs on my feet. *points at cap* 

Drake’s tattoo has surfaced! Thereby it’s confirmed that he and Rih are sporting matching sharks. Luv and so on.

Rihanna at the launch of her Fenty PUMA by Rihanna line in NYC. So proud of her. Our girl!